translucent: full moon in scorpio

Sunday, april 29 @8:58 PM EDT | 9 degrees

  (from latest post on instagram. you can find me @saltwater.stars. 

CW: this is going to be a more personal post with references to family trauma & parental dysfunction. I am a scorpio with multiple planets in the sign packed into my 4th house. with a full moon here, I can only get real right now. this is a vulnerable moment for me- thanks scorpio full moon! only because it feels tender & raw. not because I don’t want yous to know I been through some fucked up shit. I know many astrologers try to separate their work from their stories but one of the ways I’ve learned astrology most deeply is by reading those who have woven it into their lives. I hope you can find comfort & resonance within this, as well. 

 the message of figures looking to the left indicating the past, forward indicating the present, & to the right indicating the future has been coming up around me lately. I realized this is actually very relevant to the full moon in scorpio, it being a water sign in-between two others. it occurred to me that this trinity of direction could be correlated to the water signs. cancer looks to the past, to the left, to lineage & ancestors. scorpio looks to the present, to transforming pain carried over into power for everyone surrounding them. pisces, the final water sign, the final sign, looks to the future- how it ties into the past & the present in synchronistic & unseen ways. 

 the 4th house traditionally belongs to cancer. it holds themes of home, family, the past, ancestors, & emotional/spiritual lineage. this full moon has me thinking about my relationship to these things, particularly the parts that cannot be transformed. because individuals cannot embody what is supposed to be communal work. and it doesn’t matter how much I shift my perspective or drop into compassion, it doesn’t change how dangerous & harmful some people we’re born belonging to can be. there is individual healing work which also means there is often simultaneous boundary work necessary to create the conditions needed for there to be a release from pain & reclamation of power. 

I am grateful for the spirituality I was able to salvage from religion, even as I abandon the spiritual bypassing it colonized & gaslit me with. but I’m not about to use my experience to frame anyone else’s. I’m inherently very careful when talking about abuse, personal power, and healing because I know what it is to be gaslit by conversations on these things. I know what it is to be told to be compassionate when you should be angry & to then begin believing it. compassion is a practice that must benefit the impacted, those whose power has been stripped by situation & dysfunctional dynamics. not position them for more harm to be done. I know what it is to not be at the place where this conversation of healing is constructive. If you are there, I see you. 

 recently I had to end a relationship with a toxic relative for the second time. one of my parental figures. I knew this is what needed to be done for me to be free enough to transmute pain into power. so that future generations would not carry this weight of bargaining to be loved by someone who claims they do but doesn’t embody it. as I witnessed the grief of this, it was as if it was happening in another realm of my experience. just an echo of a deeper grief, a deeper pain I hold from having to extricate another parental figure 2 years ago. one who raised me. 

 the reclamation in this is that for the first time, I was able to give myself compassion. all the overextending I was doing to center compassion for the other individual was now available to me. and instead of grieving the trauma that inhibited either of them from being able to be in healthy relationship with me as I have been doing for 20 years, I was able to grieve the innocence I forfeited in being a child who has to make the decision to put relationships with parental figures to death. I may never recover that innocence- there’s an awareness of the depth of trauma that is possible that you can’t unsee. and I don’t think I want to unsee it. because within that has been my portal to change & transformation, my commitment to love & healing, my centering of compassion. 

 the real time nonlinear process of this is that my hope is also forever impacted. it takes more focus & intentionality to cultivate it, to stay curious. because I know how dangerous it is to not be able to see clearly enough to know that what you’re hoping for will actually harm you. it’s a risk of being human that we can’t forfeit, sometimes. this makes it easy to question myself, hard as fuck to trust others, & opens up this whole grey area of the unknown.  

translucent: permitting light to pass through but diffusing it so that persons, objects, etc., on the opposite side are not clearly visible.  

that’s where I spend most of my time. stretching. this stretching is so translucent. so clear and bright and weird. I have to be in the act of creating new possibilities while also being ready to navigate unexpected consequences. stretching into trust with myself. stretching into space to trust others too. stretching to trust love. to recover hope. to practice innocence. exploring this space without inserting or attaching my needs for validation or approval. explore it free from my pain or giving away my power. and therefore explore it spiritually. slowing down enough to notice where the self-manipulation, the fear, & insecurity come in. 

 because healing is death work. healing is cycling through layers & layers of shit you knew & didn’t know was there. this death & grief work must be done though, to access joy. I’m not saying we must be in pain or go through trauma to feel joy. but that if we have been through it, this work may be a way out. I want to engage with the power of scorpio because I want to flow into the future of pisces. I want to believe that unconditional love, interconnectedness, & safe, sacred imagining is possible. 

and then I want to help you stay believing in it, too. may your full moon experience be bright, deep, & transformative in ways that bring you joy & power  

oxo

saltwater & stars

mercury retro musings on being human

http://lady-phoenix.tumblr.com/post/172414390619

here is a compilation of many notes & thoughts I've had during this mercury retrograde cycle so far-it stations direct on sunday, april 15th! as I shared in my last post, mercury retrograde is not about our moods or huge life shifts but definitely the realizations & epiphanies that influence our moods & inspire our life shifts. where mercury retro is in your chart & the planets it's interacting with are everything. for example, mercury retro in aries for me was in my 9th house, sphere of education, spirituality, belief systems, & social/intellectual learning. mercury opposed my venus & jupiter in libra at certain points which brought into question my own approach to relationship (venus) & beliefs (jupiter). every single one of these direct yet rambly (aries style) observations are rooted in a deeper, personal context with many, many threads of my own story weaving in & out. context is everything. that being said, I'm sharing this list of sorts to organize my thoughts from their organic form so they can hopefully be more relatable, helpful, & resonant. follow me on instagram if you have one as I been using the stories feature to share real-time mermaid musings in addition to my usual posts on the current mood there. feel free to share what your mercury retro epiphanies have been in the comments!

astrology is super complex. it is an intricate, multi-layered, ancient yet ever-changing system. this is why it matters who your astrologer is. I say astrologer because I believe it's important to build relationships with the one(s) that feel right. if you take astrology seriously, honor the ones that have been invested into learning it for years & years- especially because it is still considered an unofficial, unconventional field by the general public. to those that are learning, even 3-5 years in, know that you will always be learning. it is essential to understand that because so much harm can be done when astrology is misused, misapplied, & remains superficial. I have almost a decade of hardcore study invested & it wasn't until recently that I realized I could take my knowledge & experience seriously. and it took seeing how those with 1-3 years of study/experience positioned themselves as teachers on the topic to truly validate my own investment. I am glad that the journey was long because it is so much more integrated then if I had rushed the process from novice to expert- and it remains a lifetime process. ultimately, astrologers & other spiritual/divinatory workers are doing deep validation work if they are honoring the agency, intuition, & free-will of their patrons. that is a tender, tender thing. 
 

I have a lot of saturn squares in my chart. I never got to live in la la land. I'm grateful & exhausted by this. saturn is exhausting. and it often sucks being the less palatable [brown] person by default because I prioritize interrupting complacent, complicit, or irresponsible narratives. a prioritization I am always learning. social capital functions on an economics of popularity so it can get lonely when you are in the practice of not giving a fuck about getting power from what people think/perceive to be true about you. and anyway, any kind of capital is rooted in hierarchy so I don't want it anyway. you do not need the agreement, approval, or belief of others to be able to know your path. saturn will teach you this- and we cannot continue to attempt to individually embody what should be communal structures of support. stay open to building relationships with those who are as committed to your values as you. if you're someone with lots of saturn influence in your chart you're always dealing with this learning curve in some way, like me- and this is the crux of why saturn returns have a rep' of being difficult AF. because saturn wants us to divest from the illusions & invest into the tangible. 
 

especially relevant to mercury retro: some people act as if you're lying at least a little bit because they always are. if you find yourself feeling disbelieved, constantly questioned, or placated because fox secretly (or not so secretly) think you are extreme, remember that you can validate yourself. it is natural to feel upset about being dismissed, especially when it's in defense of those who've done harm. I sometimes find myself feeling hurt even when no harm (though there may disappointment/grief) has actually been done. I'm learning to realize that seems to occur when I'm not validated in the way I need to be. and we can't always receive that from whom we would like to. reaching out to trusted relationships or to yourself for validation is absolutely essential. shit becomes complicated when we don't even know what we need validation in and how or why. experiment with it. remember that not giving a fuck about what fox think of you & accepting your feelings, thoughts, & experience as valid (different from accountability) is a practice. start from there. love your way in & out. 

http://lady-phoenix.tumblr.com/post/171384250494

sometimes convincing ourselves we're right is so we can avoid the grief of letting go of what is no longer right for us. in other words, trying to find an angle that allows us to dissassociate, dismiss, or villainize the other is sometimes because it is painful to admit our disappointment in them & be with the grief that it may be time to install boundaries that we wish we didn't have to. I don't believe there are always "two sides" or that we are never victims. there are very real power dynamics, abuse, & situations that we cannot rectify with justifications of behavior folx refuse to be accountable for. what we can do is protect ourselves without having to be rooted in self-righteousness to do it. it's not sustainable. but self-compassion is. then we can talk about compassion for others...


humans are problem solvers. some of us are more inclined towards external variations of it than others. some of us do the invisible work. part of both of these approaches-any approach, in fact- is cultivating the critical analysis to name the problem. challenge/opportunity, whatever word feels most spacious. naming the problem does not make you part of the problem. in order to "be part of the solution" we have to know what we are solving & we have to know it well. and sometimes, as individuals, when we name problems in our lives, the solution is nobody's business. naming a problem isn't an invitation for collaboration on "fixing it". I notice that so much of the unsolicited advice problem-namers get is rooted in ageism as well. there's a bottom line assumption we're conditioned with that the younger you are the less wisdom you have access to- especially if you have any kind of confidence or knowing. a lot of hierarchy & power dynamics are rooted in age, rather than eldership, so of course there will be fox who want to put their wisdom on me because they think I must be in need of it by default. when we begin to honor children/youth/anyone who's lived less linear time on this earth not as empty vessels but full ones, so many wires will become uncrossed & we'll all be better for it. 
 

individualism is why it’s so hard to know loyalty. it’s why we’re trying to remember what it means to have each other’s backs. it’s why there is so much concern with not being in the middle, with remaining neutral & impartial instead of attending to the hurt or the harm. it’s why community “leaders” & members can be so toxic. it’s how oppression thrives. individualism is hurting us. we don’t have to participate it in tho- that is the lie. we are not innately individualistic. we can remember. the biggest mercury retro revelation of all. I highly recommend this episode from Healing Justice Podcast where "Mark Fairfield of The Relational Center has us thinking about lethal individualism and relational culture as an alternative that acknowledges our deep connection." all the other episodes fucking rock too.

until the new moon in aries... 

oxo
saltwater & stars

new moon in pisces {mermaid musings}

march 8-July 10: jupiter in scorpio retrograde (exposure sessions are back!)
march 20: sun into aries- astrological new year! spring! 
march 22- april 15: mercury retrograde in aries

I hope you are taking deep, real-time care of yourself this week. the new moon is saturday @ 9:11 AM EST. before that, we're in the slow waning towards the dark moon- a time of release, rest, cleansing, & intentional prep for what we want to plant when the new cycle begins. I've been feeling a lot of shedding, a startling amount of clarity, & a confusion that I figured out during divination this morning is really fear, anxiety, anger, & grief. in THE COMMUNE, I wrote about our collective & individual relationships to the non-linear process of grief. including the ways we hold so much fear around it, lack language to be with it, & refuse to feel it. now I'm thinking about what it actually means to feel it, especially when we're not sure of the source, & be willing to ask ourselves really hard questions. 

what this new moon might bring: sometimes underneath the tensions & anxieties that change brings is a really deep fear of abandonment. a suspicion that joy is too much a betrayal of the death all around us so we must prepare for someone or something to come & take it away. a paradoxical longing for all we're leaving behind & all that is on its way. an attempt to retrieve the pieces of ourselves we feel we've lost, suppressed, or hidden. terror at the truths that might reveal or the changes it would necessitate. a deeper understanding of our trauma & what healing might mean. the beginning of integrating spiritual practice & awareness into our lives, not simply as a survival tactic but as a thriving one as well. the end of pretending & the beginning of connection. the end of self sabotage & the beginning of letting ourselves off the hook. the admittance of fear & the choosing of hope. the end of lies & the beginning of transmuting truth. 

where I'm at: I'm really tired of questions this week- I'm always asking them. and I know I will continue to-it is an ultimatum of healing, of justice, of love. but what I'm ready for is to feel into the answers. the answers that will shift & change & grow. but they're a beginning to integration & I am thirsty for that. from the inside out. in the spaces I travel through we talk so much about healing. some think there is no such thing as complete healing. I'm inclined to agree because I think that it can often become synonymous with completion/perfection. I'm much more interested in transformation, in using what we already have to access deeper, more powerful places within ourselves. and I think transformation honors the death-rebirth cycles that we're often really talking about when we refer to healing. it takes time & there's often a scar, a vulnerability, a tender loving care needed before, during, & afterward. it's not always glorious-rarely, if ever. because we're handling the most painful shit & trying to find a way into ourselves or out of what was. 

#Repost @healingjustice with @get_repost ・・・ Thank you @moonbellywoman of @healingbychoice for sharing your wisdom on the podcast. Peep episode & practice 18 if you missed it - wherever you get your listen on or via the #linkinbio ✨

47 Likes, 1 Comments - Ariana Felix (@saltwater.stars) on Instagram: "#Repost @healingjustice with @get_repost ・・・ Thank you @moonbellywoman of @healingbychoice for..."

optional new moon homework: listen to HEALING JUSTICE PODCAST, particularly episode 18 with HEALING BY CHOICE. read this REPORT: RECOMMENDATIONS FOR US RIGHT NOW FROM A FUTURE by adrienne maree brown & sit with these practices: 

Practice: Remember we are miraculous and interconnected, and anything less is not worthy of the life-gift we have been given.

Practice: Feel pleasure every day. Don’t let your body, your heart, forget why we fight – to feel aliveness and togetherness. We will grow.

how to shape the new moon: if you are creating intentions, containers, or rituals for this new moon consider the element of water. give attention to what will anchor your hopes/dreams/prayers. be in communion with the collective & the spiritual in some way. do not be afraid of aloneness. do not be eager for closure. ask the question, "are you a coping mechanism?" of everything for clarity on how to stay awake. refuse to hold on to pain, fear, scarcity, or martyrdom as virtuous. replace those mechanisms of sabotage with the bravery, strength, abundance, & willingness to ask for help already within you. 

oxo
saltwater & stars