Sunday, april 29 @8:58 PM EDT | 9 degrees
(from latest post on instagram. you can find me @saltwater.stars.
CW: this is going to be a more personal post with references to family trauma & parental dysfunction. I am a scorpio with multiple planets in the sign packed into my 4th house. with a full moon here, I can only get real right now. this is a vulnerable moment for me- thanks scorpio full moon! only because it feels tender & raw. not because I don’t want yous to know I been through some fucked up shit. I know many astrologers try to separate their work from their stories but one of the ways I’ve learned astrology most deeply is by reading those who have woven it into their lives. I hope you can find comfort & resonance within this, as well.
the message of figures looking to the left indicating the past, forward indicating the present, & to the right indicating the future has been coming up around me lately. I realized this is actually very relevant to the full moon in scorpio, it being a water sign in-between two others. it occurred to me that this trinity of direction could be correlated to the water signs. cancer looks to the past, to the left, to lineage & ancestors. scorpio looks to the present, to transforming pain carried over into power for everyone surrounding them. pisces, the final water sign, the final sign, looks to the future- how it ties into the past & the present in synchronistic & unseen ways.
the 4th house traditionally belongs to cancer. it holds themes of home, family, the past, ancestors, & emotional/spiritual lineage. this full moon has me thinking about my relationship to these things, particularly the parts that cannot be transformed. because individuals cannot embody what is supposed to be communal work. and it doesn’t matter how much I shift my perspective or drop into compassion, it doesn’t change how dangerous & harmful some people we’re born belonging to can be. there is individual healing work which also means there is often simultaneous boundary work necessary to create the conditions needed for there to be a release from pain & reclamation of power.
I am grateful for the spirituality I was able to salvage from religion, even as I abandon the spiritual bypassing it colonized & gaslit me with. but I’m not about to use my experience to frame anyone else’s. I’m inherently very careful when talking about abuse, personal power, and healing because I know what it is to be gaslit by conversations on these things. I know what it is to be told to be compassionate when you should be angry & to then begin believing it. compassion is a practice that must benefit the impacted, those whose power has been stripped by situation & dysfunctional dynamics. not position them for more harm to be done. I know what it is to not be at the place where this conversation of healing is constructive. If you are there, I see you.
recently I had to end a relationship with a toxic relative for the second time. one of my parental figures. I knew this is what needed to be done for me to be free enough to transmute pain into power. so that future generations would not carry this weight of bargaining to be loved by someone who claims they do but doesn’t embody it. as I witnessed the grief of this, it was as if it was happening in another realm of my experience. just an echo of a deeper grief, a deeper pain I hold from having to extricate another parental figure 2 years ago. one who raised me.
the reclamation in this is that for the first time, I was able to give myself compassion. all the overextending I was doing to center compassion for the other individual was now available to me. and instead of grieving the trauma that inhibited either of them from being able to be in healthy relationship with me as I have been doing for 20 years, I was able to grieve the innocence I forfeited in being a child who has to make the decision to put relationships with parental figures to death. I may never recover that innocence- there’s an awareness of the depth of trauma that is possible that you can’t unsee. and I don’t think I want to unsee it. because within that has been my portal to change & transformation, my commitment to love & healing, my centering of compassion.
the real time nonlinear process of this is that my hope is also forever impacted. it takes more focus & intentionality to cultivate it, to stay curious. because I know how dangerous it is to not be able to see clearly enough to know that what you’re hoping for will actually harm you. it’s a risk of being human that we can’t forfeit, sometimes. this makes it easy to question myself, hard as fuck to trust others, & opens up this whole grey area of the unknown.
translucent: permitting light to pass through but diffusing it so that persons, objects, etc., on the opposite side are not clearly visible.
that’s where I spend most of my time. stretching. this stretching is so translucent. so clear and bright and weird. I have to be in the act of creating new possibilities while also being ready to navigate unexpected consequences. stretching into trust with myself. stretching into space to trust others too. stretching to trust love. to recover hope. to practice innocence. exploring this space without inserting or attaching my needs for validation or approval. explore it free from my pain or giving away my power. and therefore explore it spiritually. slowing down enough to notice where the self-manipulation, the fear, & insecurity come in.
because healing is death work. healing is cycling through layers & layers of shit you knew & didn’t know was there. this death & grief work must be done though, to access joy. I’m not saying we must be in pain or go through trauma to feel joy. but that if we have been through it, this work may be a way out. I want to engage with the power of scorpio because I want to flow into the future of pisces. I want to believe that unconditional love, interconnectedness, & safe, sacred imagining is possible.
and then I want to help you stay believing in it, too. may your full moon experience be bright, deep, & transformative in ways that bring you joy & power