When I was four years old I would repeatedly ask the man that was my father, "Daddy, do you love me?" See, kids don't understand what they can't feel or see so the impatiently rational, "Of course I love you!" response didn't really answer the question. He didn't *act* like it so how was I supposed to assume I was being loved?

It's not until this year that I realized I've believed that to be loved, I have to be invisible. No thoughts, no feelings, no reactions, no hurt, no joy. To express is to betray the silent agreement I've made to not exist so that there is more room for the other person to feel loved. Underneath that is the conflation that attention = love. Or that to take up space is to take from the love-stash. Being loved was a limited time offer only.

I'm learning that love doesn't always return to sender. You will not always get back what you put in. Deeper than that, few will really know or understand how to gauge what you're even putting in. Not everyone thinks in terms of energy or intentional, genuine reciprocity. "Of course I love you!"

I'm no longer willing to engage with love as merely a concept or even just actions. I have to feel it. You have to tell me why you love me. Show me how you love. Reciprocity is no longer an option for those claiming to be affected by my existence in such deep ways that they can say- I love you. It's not enough.

In all the stories told of me and what I am worthy of since my before my great-great grandmothers conception, this one of bullshit, not enough, painful, hollow love is one I am no longer willing to tell.

You will love me without any, "Of course!". Because neither I nor anyone claiming to love me will be taking this privilege, this blessing, this gift of life for granted. Do not love me with obligation but with intentionality. Do not love me with familiarity but with intimacy. I will be loved on purpose.

Being loved is the experience of not having to ask if I am.

saltwater & stars

{If you're interested in working with Jupiter in Scorpio + your story, these are the kind of conversations we'll be having in Exposure sessions. Synchronistically, I wrote this in a 10 Week secret writing group initiated by Jena Schwartz. You can join the next one or find out about the 2 Week offer here:}

new moon in scorpio {mermaid musings}

I'm sitting here feeling into what exactly is it that I want to conjure on this new moon in Scorpio (Saturday). I've begun some new boundaries with my time & energy that are leaving me space to dive deeper. Jupiter in Libra had us going high & wide, Jupiter in Scorpio has us going deeper & longer. Sign of sex for a reason... ;) 

I'm feeling like I don't know exactly what I want this new moon to grow into when it's full next May, but I do know what I want to center my intentions in now. And that's everything, isn't it? Not just knowing what you want, which is super important, but the combination of will & desire. Pluto & Mars. What you want & are willing to do to make it happen. We can't forget while we swim in the waters of Scorpio, that it's ruled by two planets. The most powerful of which is Pluto. Our pain, our relentless obsessions, our resolute stances. It's all power. 

Scorpio is resilient not because it is ruthless- no one does boundaries & compassion like Scorpio. The resilience comes from clear focus, really. Everything that doesn't contribute to the mission becomes irrelevant. It is there, it is seen, even felt, but no energy is directed towards it. That is the power of Pluto. So when feeling into this potent magic & how I want to use it, I'm looking for the clearest focus, the most willful desire. What. Will. No. Longer. Hide. 

That is how Scorpio exposes the hidden. It activates what we normally go about pretending we don't want. It pokes at what we try to suppress so that we have this illusion of controlling the pain. But it's there either way. The pain & the suppressed, so why not claim it? Why not use it? 

Pluto is patient. Because it's rooted in being willing to do death, to rebirth. When you are willing to shed everything so that your medicine can be more potent, so your experiences can be more satisfying, so your relationships can be more aligned- you're ultimately trusting yourself. That you will rise from the ashes. Haven't you already, so many times? 

So the question is, what do you want to rise into? When it's time to burn it all down, what grows instead? Your boundaries, naming your intents, & claiming your impact- all of these make space for the next rebirth. So that instead of just falling into the unknown (though that is sometimes necessary), you use your agency & interconnectedness to form the containers for what will be. Moment by moment, decision by decision, deep breath by deep breath. 

I want to rise into relationships that nourish my depths as much as I sit in the depths with others. I want to rise into community work that grows organically in correlation to my own relationship to justice & liberation. I want to rise into the confidence of creativity, money making, & being okay with doing nothing. I want to rise into emancipation from attachment to the past, present, & future that do not invigorate me. I want to rise into ownership of the startling possibilities & endless reasons to be grateful that I already possess. 

What will you rise into? 
saltwater & stars