when hesitancy is scarcity & other saturn-uranus gems

expectation vs. reality isn’t always a disappointment. sometimes it’s a surprise.

in retrospect, I waited longer than I should have to shift from sign-based horoscope writing to making more room for my actual writing flow and desires. writing horoscopes has built the foundation of my entire practice, and I understand that kind of shift does not come easily. but there’s something about the relationship between my hesitancy and scarcity that is clearest to me now that I have decided.

part of what made deciding on this change difficult, and why I continued beyond the point I knew my body was resisting, was real and imagined scarcity. I am not yet in a place where it’s comfortable to risk losing income, and I didn’t know how my beloved readers would respond. asking for energetic exchange in the form of money comes with responsibility.

it wasn’t even just about the money (that’s rarely high on my priority list, despite my ongoing need for it lol). it is about my work, my brightest contribution, and whether that would be considered a worthwhile investment to others. I was afraid.

I had the catastrophic version of the consequences of this decision that my nervous system and experience of poverty offered up. I also had the vision of my integrity and freedom being generative, and the evidence to back it up. I chose to move deeper into praxis of my values, and wow, people meet me there over and over again.

what actually happened after I announced the change to my monthly offering was an outpouring of support, connection, encouragement, and appreciation for my work. what actually happened was not a financial decrease, but financial increase. what actually happened was the energetic space for clarity around so many future offerings that have been incubating, and the space to consider other collaborative possibilities.

Uranus, accelerator of change and unpredictability, is clearly present here. Uranus is in taurus, so there’s also the ongoing conversation about real and imagined scarcity of resources that is more often about distribution of power than actual materials. this is collective, but it’s also personal. I redistributed my power into a decision that confronted my fears around scarcity (and loss, scorpio whispers). Saturn in aquarius is present here, too. not just because they are squaring Uranus so that from the tension new structures can emerge, but because I am also in my Saturn return.

when the Sun in scorpio squared Saturn the last weekend of October, my awareness increased around where I restrict, limit, and expect more from myself than is sustainable or realistic. I felt my ancient resentments around being seen, being underestimated, being perceived by my age and not my embodied wisdom, and being so intentional about how I show up while others are out here being reckless and irresponsible. (the Sun square Saturn is angsty lol.)

but I was able to ask myself: is that actually happening? is that my only experience? is that the reality I am forced to operate in? is that all I know?

the answer is unmistakable. no.

resentment is the solidification of anger. at times I haven’t been seen. I have been underestimated. I have not been taken seriously. I have experienced ageism. I have shown up in my integrity and been betrayed or disappointed by those claiming to do the same. I have chosen the straight and narrow and been the lonelier for it.

but the reality of those angsty moments is that I am angry at myself. for all the times I underestimate myself, for not taking myself seriously, for thinking I’m not old enough or wise enough to share my embodiment, for minimizing the power and influence of my integrity based on the actions of others. in those moments, I am grieving my own inability to recognize and honor myself.

the parts of myself I have sometimes resented in the past are the same parts of myself that have you reading these words, that created an astrological practice that is nearing a decade, that enable me to pivot, that have brought me to this moment in miraculous ways.

the more I embody my clearest desires, the more room I make to be seen in the ways that are meaningful to me. but most importantly, the more I embody my clearest desires, the more I prophecy a future for myself that is rooted in the integrity of my pleasure, not loyalty to my pain.

the saturn return

the saturn return and taking inventory of a lifetime of conditioning. the saturn return and reshaping the inner parent. the saturn return and rejecting the inner critic. the saturn return and learning how to use discernment to protect yourself. the saturn return and taking no fucking shit. the saturn return and leaving the playground of projections and general fuckery. the saturn return and the boundary of not parenting other people's inner children through taking responsibility for their fears, insecurities, or self-neglect. the saturn return and the amazing generation learning to stay in their seat of power for the benefit of the entire world.

the saturn return and understanding that the more a quality sets you apart, the more it is worth protecting as a precious facet of distinction in the prism that you are. the saturn return and being able to call a thing a thing. the saturn return and finally knowing how to tell when someone is full of shit. the saturn return and understanding what just ain't it for you. the saturn return and knowing when it's not your shit. the saturn return and knowing when it is your shit.

the saturn return and the immense pleasure it gives me to work with those initiating themselves through this rite of passage. it is my honor & privilege to read for saturn initiates. if that’s you and you’ve trusted me, thank you. if that’s you and you are considering doing me the honor, I thank you.

the discipline of pleasure: enlivening the erotic

Saturn squaring Uranus. Uranus humbling the shit out of Saturn. Saturn shaping the change Uranus brings. the Tried, True, and Tired one conversing with the Ultimate Trickster. air uprooting earth. earth shattering clarity. growth spurts. (out)growing pains. the tower. the fool. the beginning and the appearance of the end that is actually the beginning of a bright northern star becoming visible.

squares are creative tension. therefore squares are erotic. I believe everything has a relationship to the erotic because everything has a relationship, if not an origin, in creativity and tension. the erotic is life force, the erotic is primordial creative power, the erotic is in everything. the erotic is Lorde. see: The Uses of the Erotic. I feel that squares in particular speak to how the erotic treats tension like a plaything, interested only in the spark of life that friction can create. the eternal flame of the sacred power that is change, that is creating, that is the truth uncovering themselves with a seductive, uncontrollable beauty.

squares build up tension until there is enough force to cause a breakthrough. I think we can all admit these feel more like breakdowns sometimes, but that there is nothing more exhilarating than the release of tension in the freedom found on the other side of surrender and/or of choice. it’s orgasmic. and it is trustworthy.

we know Saturn in aquarius wants fresh structure, the freedom of trusting the inner authority, and protection from cognitive dissonance. I often refer to Saturn as engaging the process of clarifying your disciplines and deepening your devotions. Uranus in taurus wants many things, most of all to use change to create the conditions for new life to grow, which is usually the purpose of what we could call organic destruction. see: wildfires, floods, and hurricanes (not those caused by human fuckery). while Uranus is in taurus all of these changes are in service to Venus, the ruler of the sweet, sensory, earthy energetic texture we call taurus.

Saturn square Uranus is about creating the conditions for Venus to be free.

last night, Venus in leo opposed Saturn in aquarius, activating the Saturn-Uranus square in a different way than Mars in leo did last week and bringing the conversation to the Venusian forefront. it reminds me of a lyrics from the song Fairytale by Lianne La Havas that a new friend sweetly sent me. there’s a line that says, “she’ll set your beauty free and grant you your dignity”.

Venus wants to know how Saturn is going to protect their values, interests, and principles. Venus wants to know if after all the Saturnian boundaries, Uranian change, and Martian moves towards autonomy, if there’s room for the power of pleasure and beauty? is the sweetness of life, of our brightest, most radiant embodiments worth protecting in the new paradigm emerging? is reconciliation between Venus and the world a priority?

after all the devaluation, degradation, discard, defamation, disregard, humiliation, extraction, and dishonor…is the erotic, the priceless jewel everyone is actually fighting over, worth honoring? or would you like to continue taking and taking until the rage spills over and up from the oceans all over the world? would you like to continue perpetuating the damage of the sovereignty of innocence until the rage, withheld for so long for the sake of peace and understanding, destroys the resources that are actually valuable to our fragile incarnations?

there are things that instant gratification, exploitation, and extraction can not immediately replace. contrary to popular behavior, there are actually people/places/things that are priceless and irreplaceable.

the unthinkable violations that have been and are happening to Pachamama are the macrocosm of what so many of us, especially those who embody Venus, the Moon, or anything sweet, soft, and fucking fierce, endure on an interpersonal level. do not be mistaken: it is not something we “let” happen. it is an unfair consequence of the pervasive violent, colonial conditioning that we are all living within. yet, we are not all continuously impacted or perpetuating in the same ways. this distinction is not made with the intention of blame, but to redirect the oft default misdirect of response-ability.

in the spirit of reclamation and being the change, I have a recommendation for the Venus within you: vehemently protect your power, beauty, and pleasure like the unequivocal gift it is. let no one’s (in)actions be a factor in how you determine your value, importance, and preciousness. it is not up for question or debate. acknowledge the pain of your erotic, visionary, deeply loving power being diminished, maybe even decimated. compost and transmute the way we have carried, changed for the sake of, and been changed by being impacted by harm and exploitation without remorse. let us no longer take the blame for being mistreated. let us no longer take responsibility for what is not ours. let us no longer internalize guilt and shame that does not belong to us because someone else won’t feel it. let us no longer swallow our experiences so others don’t think we are hot ass messes of femme rage. we are that and so many other things. let them fucking deal with it. act as if you are irreplaceable, because you are. I believe you. you are trustworthy. free yourself. read this all out loud to yourself. feel your body change. listen to soft power anthems.

in this moment and perhaps always, Saturn is the discipline of protecting pleasure. see: Saturn’s exaltation in the Venus ruled sign of libra. Uranus is enlivening the erotic, with chaos if they must, lest we forget that everyone is inherently worthy of access to it. the Saturn-Uranus square is not just about thinking differently, sustainable strategies, and the restructuring of resource distribution. it’s not just about the pragmatism of change. it is about the embodied response to the necessary disruptions caused by what has been neglected, disregarded, and abused by power for far too long: Venus. also see: the tender, emotional, resourceful Moon’s exaltation in the Venus ruled sign of taurus.

as alice sparkly kat reminds us, Venus originally has associations with war. and we can not afford to pretend that is not what this is. so here are the weapons I advise you take up on your own behalf: pleasure as a discipline, being rooted in your own power as pleasure, and enlivening the erotic within yourself and therefore within the world.

if you would like to book a reading for July or August you can do so here. note: on August 1st the rates for natal chart readings will increase significantly, and the sliding scale structure will change radically. these are adjustments made in the thread of weaving sacred reciprocity and you can read more about them here.

neptune in quarantine

I think of Neptune as the etheric technologies that electronic technology replicates. the ability to see each other regardless of physical proximity, talk to each other across oceans, and generally connect at any time from anywhere is one we are born with. it emerges from the obscuration of lines between dimensions and realities. it happens in our dream work or astral travel. it’s in the everything we don’t say and can’t hear but is still absorbed.

multidimensional technologies + electronic technologies =superpowers.

Neptune in pisces (2012-2025) has been a salvation for many as Saturn in aquarius brought us more isolation, distance, and spatial boundaries in March 2020. Neptune has allowed us to remember our interconnectedness regardless through The Internet (Saturn in aquarius), and for some, through the increased psychic space available to enter the ethereal.

I think this was especially supportive during July-December 2020 when Saturn had retrograded back into capricorn, creating a sign-based sextile (potential support) between the tangible (Saturn) and the etheric (Neptune). Saturn needs reminders of the permeable, temporal, and nonlinear from Neptune. Neptune needs help with boundaries, structure, and integrity from Saturn. with great powers come great response-abilities, or whatever Spiderman’s uncle said.

The best magic happens with clear intention.

now that Saturn is in aquarius for the next two years, I am thinking about how Saturn can’t see Neptune in pisces because they are right next to each other and therefore outside of each other’s vision. what happens when Neptune has no boundaries? illusion, delusion, and entanglement. what happens when Saturn has no multidimensional awareness? restrictive realities, oppression, separateness, and unnecessary suffering.

Saturn and Neptune must be brought into collaboration more intentionally now that most of us are relying on electronic/long-distance connection in some shape or form. fortunately, Neptune in pisces is ruled by Jupiter currently in a Saturn sign (aquarius) which provides a different way into their necessary collaboration. I believe that way is within.

what are your nonnegotiable boundaries and principles? what are your interests and where is your integrity? these are the chisels that will shape the contributions and containers that hold your relationships.

it makes me think about long-distance relationships (whether the distance is in location or alignment) and how much easier it can be to project a fantasy, anxiety, or ideal onto someone. natural law says that something must fill the empty space, created in this case by a gap between reality and expectation. when Jupiter joins Neptune by entering pisces May 14-July 28th (a lil’ teaser trailer) minding this gap will become even more crucial.

there is a Saturn-Neptune sweet spot available in utilizing solitude to clarify our intentions and flex our etheric skills (attention to the unseen) without staying there entirely alone because we are afraid of disappointment. the sweet spot is experiencing connection without controlling it or betraying ourselves. the sweet spot is response-ability and surrender to impermanence. it’s sustainability between our physical, etheric, mental, and emotional bodies. it’s moving slowly enough to be able to simultaneously attend to linear time & the nonlinear quantum speed of (un)reality. the sweet spot is big love you can trust.

interconnectedness supported by boundaries and solitude creates space for internal freedom and relational longevity. we need this because we deserve to have what we really want: each other.

[insert multidimensional swooning here]

ritualistic recommendations: remember to bring the third dimension into your interactions. use your somatic awareness and intelligence. use voice notes, video, phone calls, and real-time connection as much as you can. pace yourself until the third dimension (the physical experience) can provide more information. call back the parts of yourself that know that the surreal is real, too. lean into your dreams, telepathy, etheric touch and travel. maintain your energetic protection and spiritual hygiene. orchestrate trustworthy realities through imagination and ancestral veneration. 

book a reading if you need 1:1 astrological & emoceanal support in navigating Saturn, Neptune, or relationship anarchy in general.