there are so many beautiful people full of love to give in the world. you deserve to be in relationship with them. you are one of them. forget about “do I have what it takes?”. this is not about anything taking from you. inquire instead into whether you can receive what it gives. how can you ready yourself for what I want to give you?
I’m so grateful for how you choose to be, so grateful for how you change. and fuck, I’m so grateful for the ways you stay the same. god knows I need something to come back to when the fantasies fail me or duality disappoints me. you know that I love you, right? I act like I forget sometimes because I really do forget, and it has nothing to do with you. it’s just challenging to reconcile the instability intimacy brings up in me, the way my body remembers all the times it was a lie, all the times it was a trap, all the times it was just my imagination. all the times it was never going to be enough to save us.
imagination. I don’t think it terrifies me because I might be let down. I know how to handle that by now. it terrifies me because I do believe in it & I’ve seen how it can create nightmares as well as dreams come true. I don’t want to use it on you, anymore. I don’t want to have a distorted view. you will always be a mirror but this don’t have to be a fun house. I don’t wanna have to be in love with somebody else to be in love with myself. when that happens, it usually means I’m making the other person up because the only time I give myself permission to BE love is for somebody else. what a ridiculous situation. what a discombobulation.
I won’t let you get stuck in accumulative or transactional love, with or without me. distribution is the way into sustainability & the way out of hierarchy. this method also means it needs to be resourced by something more infinite than you, more infinite than me, more infinite than us. love, right? but what does that even mean? what is love? who does it belong to? how does it work? when does it show up? where can we find it? how do we make it? why does it even fucking matter so much?
these are questions I want to continue answering with you. I’ll share my ideas so far, though. I think love is that moment when I remember that I’m beautiful & necessary regardless. it’s those moments when nothing that ever happened to me is relevant anymore because I’m so here right now. love isn’t a resource in itself, it generates resources. it can’t be contained or extracted from as a “thing”. when that’s happening, that’s how I know it’s not love. maybe “it” is even antithetical to the way love works—’cause love works. it’s an entity, it’s a being, it makes shit happen.
it’s you, queridx. you’re love. you’re love to me. and the more you love yourself, the more you’re love to everything & everybody. don’t rush yourself to feel like that’s true, though. let time talk. harvest what’s ready, keep planting seeds, & tending to what’s real. this shit is not a garden, mi amor! you? love? your love? that’s a fucking ecosystem. it’s the shit that keeps me alive.
inspired by this weekend’s venus in gemini square neptune in pisces with the moon in virgo.