in linear time saturn planning mode & identified the origin of my overwhelm: resistance to disappointing myself cause I’m still processing grief about the self-abandonment of the last 18 months.
paradoxically, I had never been so present to myself. was it really all abandonment or actually the painful process of more permanent return? maybe, definitely both. if grief is love & love is choice, love grieves inaction as the absence or misuse of choice as a facilitation of harm.
learning opportunity: the reconciliation of duality & cognitive dissonance, loving oneself in action as a preventative measure against the conditioned betrayal of integrity & love ethic.
I’m not just some star
existing at the edges of your orbit
barely visible
even as I explode
into a million deaths
I am the sun
you will feel me
when I’m close to you
you will know darkness
when I’m not
I am the moon
shining your light back at you
blessing the night with milk
moonlight flowing from my breasts
I am you
I am me
I am us
you became my Judgement day
holding me accountable for all the
sins I was willing to be guilty of
but never committed
you became the Devil
showing me where my shame
shackled me
where my desire consumed me
you became my Fortuna
the wheel spinning in wonder of
when I’d stop waiting & save myself
I didn’t see Death in you
I was already dead
when you found me
you were an Awakening
I’ve never been so alive
you had me Hung up
suspended in the time & promises
short on one, drowning in the other
you were lightning to my Towers
I fell from them into you
but we were never Lovers
you were the World &
I was the Hermit
it was never Temperance with us
it was your so called Justice
testing my Strength
it was me playing the Magician
trying to turn your Chariot
into an Emperors throne
it was me playing your Empress
when I was born High Priestess
I was a Fool
for your Sun & Moon
even when I felt like a Star
I should have known that role would be too small for me
I have always been a luminary