surrender is my new center

I am low key panicking about how sweet, good & morbidly complex my life is right now. in the fresh territories of new experiences & explorative risks, in the practice of pleasure & desire…I haven’t known how to locate myself. I be longing to just be (the only belonging that belongs to me). but I look for familiar forms & shapes & disciplines when flow terrifies me. it often feels like being led off path, thanks to the residue of old understandings that the path should be linear. flow feels like a detour & it always is because that’s the way to get & stay on path…be willing to take alternate routes to avoid the dominant currents.

in my attempts to recenter, I am still reworking the belief that to change or be human throws me off-center by default. in my attempts to recenter, I find myself wanting to cling to structure & solitude & high standards. I do believe this is a useful strategy in many scenarios but not in the one where I am trying to learn how to live. I want to cling to structure & intense solitude & higher standards but currently, they don’t want to cling to me. I think we’re breaking up. I think I’m creating a new concept of center, a new practice of return that is actually just being not doing. this is about trust, of course, because what isn’t…but it is also about surrendering. to the lack of trust I have in myself, in the multiverse, in others.

when I stop trying to FIX my self-proclaimed deficits, I can start living into them & that’s where the growth can happen. I must admit, I have used an extraordinary amount of energy controlling myself, attempting to control my environment, & even the way change happens. but this stunts growth, this prohibits possibilities. it keeps me in the same internal patterns even if intellectually or spiritually I understand differently. it keeps me using irrelevant ideas of integrity, morality, righteousness, & power. there’s a conflict between the way puritan ideals have shaped my relationship to spirituality & the queer, radical life I actually live.

for so long, I’ve thought that to be centered I had to be still (sometimes just another word for control). but I become messier & realer & truer every day even when it scares the shit out of me. I’m skilled at stillness & being committed to certain kinds of strategies—I’m skilled at discipline. I’m learning new lessons now about the blessings of moment to moment living. about how living in disobedience is holy. about how outcome oriented living isn’t really living. about how I am multitudinous & complex & accepting that is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do.

it's easy to romanticize honoring & living for our ancestors in the ways they couldn't yet it actually requires so much breaking open, so much hard fucking rewiring work, so much softness…but I remind myself (or do they remind me?) that these are the bravest things.

this has been a message from the vortex of in-between eclipses. if you need support, I have 3 spots left in July before sabbatical.

oxo
saltwater & stars

lick your lips: the full moon in scorpio

FULL MOON IN SCORPIO
MAY 18TH @ 5:11PM EST | 27 DEGREES

this one sexy, wild, & simultaneously grounding full moon. the waters of scorpio are blue like the hottest part of the flame, cleansing & comforting while being dangerous. there’s something satisfying about the kind of closure/revelation that surfaces during a scorpio full moon, whether it’s painful or pleasurable. scorpio wants to know what’s real; fuck being fake or pretending or niceties based on placating fragile hungry egos. who cares if the truth hurts? it’s priceless, it’s power, it’s generative.

everyone deserves the opportunity to have the full range of motion with their agency. we miss that when we’re hiding or wanting others to play small for our insecurities. we miss that when we give our power away, forget to take it with us, or aren’t even aware of it in the first place. we miss it when we try to control everything inside & outside of ourselves. the thing is, our power is so often waiting for us behind what we’re terrified of. our softness, our vulnerability, our brilliance, our defiance, our freedom, our love, our rage. will you stay in your unreconciled places until they become swamps around you?

the Sun & Mercury are making love in taurus during the full moon. this could be bringing the light of articulation to your desires/needs or those of others. you could realize that it’s time to walk away from whatever is draining your energy, you could implement stronger boundaries. you could walk deeper into a good thing, feel a message finally sink in on a cellular level, tell someone how you feel. the Sun-Mercury is throwing you a rope if you feel like you’re drowning in the waters.

Venus has also entered taurus, their first home. Uranus was already waiting there, so this is a different taste of Venus in taurus than we’re accustomed to. it’s all the usual encouragement towards a prioritization of delightful beauty, pleasure, art, aesthetic, & sensuality rooted in a healthy love for the self. however, Uranus adds this flavor of eccentricity, chaos, the unusual, & the conventionally rejected to it. we’re finding love in unexpected places, or creating experiences we’ve never had before, or changing the very essence of our relationships to pleasure, sex, food, money…

the energy available to us right now is very creative. creativity is doing something in a different way, however subtle, than it’s been done—by you. forget about everybody else: how can you tap into your creativity to navigate life? this means also forgetting “what it’s always been” based on your former experiences & allowing your mind to reset into a beginner’s perspective. sometimes this also means something needs to die (scorpio) for the new life to birth. you can keep holding on if you want, starling. no one will blame you. but I think we both know it’s been time to set the past aflame & let a Phoenix, a you that has never before been seen, rise from the earth.

it’s time to take a full, deep bite out of life. it could be salty, it could be sweet, maybe both. you won’t know sitting here waiting for it to prove you right or wrong. take a bite & lick your lips because if you’re ready, sweetness is ready for you.

for full length horoscopes on this full moon & more, join the COMMUNE.

for more on Uranus in taurus, check out the
upcoming workshop!

oxo
saltwater & stars