I woke up this morning and cried. I dreamt that I was hugging a few people I may never see again, not because they’re dead but because the relationships were severed. I have experienced a massive amount of severance in my life, some of it for my absolute safety/sanity, most of it because no one involved knew how to mitigate, navigate, and resolve conflict.
what a fucking mess! what a bottomless heartbreak…
I sat in front of my mesa (altar) and pulled some cards to help my articulate what I was feeling, because it felt so big and unspeakable. what am I grieving? the World. how can I support myself in this? Ace of Swords. what possibility might being with this birth? Strength, Seven of Pentacles.
once I saw the World I realized that, of course, this grief is not just mine. but it’s the grief flooding in from this intake process & transmutation of cancel culture that I’m doing. I used to sometimes think that feeling the feelings of the world was just my formerly poor etheric boundaries. I now recognize it as a gift that I actually use with skill, after learning from all my failures (Seven of Pentacles). even my participation in cancel culture was coming from this place of understanding the grief and rage and wanting to show solidarity. I welcome being with the wounds of the world because I trust that it is part of what I’m here to do, so that I can develop the Strength necessary to participate in transmutation and repair instead.
the Ace of Swords told me to write, as well as to clear my mind and be in my body instead. Ace of Swords reminded me that a new beginning is always right here, in the nervous system. it also makes me think about how I’ve been referring to myself as a Reparative Conduct Specialist. I never thought I would land within a title like that, but if you look at the list of lineages on my site it makes total sense. more importantly, that’s what becoming the Lord of your own Failures (Seven of Pentacles) means. you can only repair what you know is broken, which means understanding how and why it broke, and what’s required next.
my dream was a painful but gentle integration of how this process of transmuting cancel culture isn’t just about addressing a phenomenon but acknowledging it as an extension of what pre-existed. before I was on the internet blocking whoever I was told to block and “calling in” random white people, my family of origin was constantly cutting each other off, slandering each other, and being violent in every way. that’s the root of cancel culture; our hurting parents, families, and communities. now I’m estranged from most of them, and have lost so many friends due to poorly handled conflicts or accusations of harm or simply very low distress tolerances.
I refuse to be estranged from the world I believe we’re creating because of fear. I refuse to be estranged from each other. I refuse to not have a family or community. I love you.
as of writing this, there are a three spots left for Sunday’s pop-up emoceanal support group Transmuting Cancel Culture. if your heart wants to be there and it is full when you read this, reply to this email and I’ll add a spot for you.