surrender is my new center

I am low key panicking about how sweet, good & morbidly complex my life is right now. in the fresh territories of new experiences & explorative risks, in the practice of pleasure & desire…I haven’t known how to locate myself. I be longing to just be (the only belonging that belongs to me). but I look for familiar forms & shapes & disciplines when flow terrifies me. it often feels like being led off path, thanks to the residue of old understandings that the path should be linear. flow feels like a detour & it always is because that’s the way to get & stay on path…be willing to take alternate routes to avoid the dominant currents.

in my attempts to recenter, I am still reworking the belief that to change or be human throws me off-center by default. in my attempts to recenter, I find myself wanting to cling to structure & solitude & high standards. I do believe this is a useful strategy in many scenarios but not in the one where I am trying to learn how to live. I want to cling to structure & intense solitude & higher standards but currently, they don’t want to cling to me. I think we’re breaking up. I think I’m creating a new concept of center, a new practice of return that is actually just being not doing. this is about trust, of course, because what isn’t…but it is also about surrendering. to the lack of trust I have in myself, in the multiverse, in others.

when I stop trying to FIX my self-proclaimed deficits, I can start living into them & that’s where the growth can happen. I must admit, I have used an extraordinary amount of energy controlling myself, attempting to control my environment, & even the way change happens. but this stunts growth, this prohibits possibilities. it keeps me in the same internal patterns even if intellectually or spiritually I understand differently. it keeps me using irrelevant ideas of integrity, morality, righteousness, & power. there’s a conflict between the way puritan ideals have shaped my relationship to spirituality & the queer, radical life I actually live.

for so long, I’ve thought that to be centered I had to be still (sometimes just another word for control). but I become messier & realer & truer every day even when it scares the shit out of me. I’m skilled at stillness & being committed to certain kinds of strategies—I’m skilled at discipline. I’m learning new lessons now about the blessings of moment to moment living. about how living in disobedience is holy. about how outcome oriented living isn’t really living. about how I am multitudinous & complex & accepting that is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do.

it's easy to romanticize honoring & living for our ancestors in the ways they couldn't yet it actually requires so much breaking open, so much hard fucking rewiring work, so much softness…but I remind myself (or do they remind me?) that these are the bravest things.

this has been a message from the vortex of in-between eclipses. if you need support, I have 3 spots left in July before sabbatical.

oxo
saltwater & stars

stay with yourself

one of my favorite ways to utilize astrology is helping community organizers, facilitators, activists, healers, etc. get clear about what contributions are most aligned with who they already are & will continue becoming. as people committed to visionary tactics for change, we can misuse our time trying to fit into containers that we think will make us useful.

I believe we each need to shape our own container & offer that to the spaces that recognize & honor the need for it. I believe we are most useful when we move in organic ways, trusting that our truth is generative. resonance with yourself & the work you offer to community is what ignites sustainable, radical change. don’t get stuck in a shape that doesn’t fit. you have your own.

it’s taken me 10+ years to put words to it but I realize more everyday that part of my work in a session is to doula your dying selves & midwife the birth of your power. in other words, to shatter binaries so that what’s real can remain. & what’s real is you. I talk about anything & everything (yes, even THAT) with the people I’m fortunate enough to work with & somehow it always circles back to some absence, desire, or expression of love. love as power, power as love & the self as an actualization of both.

this requires you to stay with yourself (& be held there by space-makers). don’t leave yourself for nobody. throne yourself. because if you are the multiverse & the multiverse is you, do you really need to be out here grasping? I think not. 

booking for June, eclipse prep month, is available.

oxo
saltwater & stars

the sun

the sun doesn’t need you to bow down before it to be able to shine itself. it gives life, the one true gift of love, without compromise. you can worship them if you want, but they do not depend on it. yet we depend on the sun, the only unconditional love some of us get. the sun teaches us to receive without earning. the sun does not earn their right to shine. this is one model of how to reconcile our false separation between love & power, power & love.

this is what it is to show both, never exchanging one for the other. you can be powerful & loving, lovingly powerful, all at the same time. because love is power. think of them operating without each other—love becomes sick, needing to extract power from others or give it all away to death. power becomes pain, the protection of our own ego-fragility becoming a harm to ourself & others.

unconditional love doesn’t neeeed you but we all need unconditional love. what we mean when we say unconditional is that flavor of love that is not dependent on your performative self, your worshipability, or your efforts to hide vulnerability behind the need to earn.

want more sunshine in your life? be the sun.

oxo
saltwater & stars