I am low key panicking about how sweet, good & morbidly complex my life is right now. in the fresh territories of new experiences & explorative risks, in the practice of pleasure & desire…I haven’t known how to locate myself. I be longing to just be (the only belonging that belongs to me). but I look for familiar forms & shapes & disciplines when flow terrifies me. it often feels like being led off path, thanks to the residue of old understandings that the path should be linear. flow feels like a detour & it always is because that’s the way to get & stay on path…be willing to take alternate routes to avoid the dominant currents.
in my attempts to recenter, I am still reworking the belief that to change or be human throws me off-center by default. in my attempts to recenter, I find myself wanting to cling to structure & solitude & high standards. I do believe this is a useful strategy in many scenarios but not in the one where I am trying to learn how to live. I want to cling to structure & intense solitude & higher standards but currently, they don’t want to cling to me. I think we’re breaking up. I think I’m creating a new concept of center, a new practice of return that is actually just being not doing. this is about trust, of course, because what isn’t…but it is also about surrendering. to the lack of trust I have in myself, in the multiverse, in others.
when I stop trying to FIX my self-proclaimed deficits, I can start living into them & that’s where the growth can happen. I must admit, I have used an extraordinary amount of energy controlling myself, attempting to control my environment, & even the way change happens. but this stunts growth, this prohibits possibilities. it keeps me in the same internal patterns even if intellectually or spiritually I understand differently. it keeps me using irrelevant ideas of integrity, morality, righteousness, & power. there’s a conflict between the way puritan ideals have shaped my relationship to spirituality & the queer, radical life I actually live.
for so long, I’ve thought that to be centered I had to be still (sometimes just another word for control). but I become messier & realer & truer every day even when it scares the shit out of me. I’m skilled at stillness & being committed to certain kinds of strategies—I’m skilled at discipline. I’m learning new lessons now about the blessings of moment to moment living. about how living in disobedience is holy. about how outcome oriented living isn’t really living. about how I am multitudinous & complex & accepting that is one of the hardest things I’ll ever do.
it's easy to romanticize honoring & living for our ancestors in the ways they couldn't yet it actually requires so much breaking open, so much hard fucking rewiring work, so much softness…but I remind myself (or do they remind me?) that these are the bravest things.
this has been a message from the vortex of in-between eclipses. if you need support, I have 3 spots left in July before sabbatical.