I let me love me now

I fear that if I’m the next me 
this me I’m becoming
this me I’ve always been 
the unfuckwitable, fierce, certain me
I’ll be abandoned because 
this is what they chose to leave

I been like

let me leave me
before you don’t ask me to stay
before you don’t hold me down
before you don’t pursue to peruse me

let me leave me
so I don’t have to watch you walk away
so I don’t have to be less alone
so I don’t have need to be free

but wait

let me leave for me
and fuck these games I don’t know how to play
and fuck the trust never earned
and fuck all the love that wasn’t sweet

I let me love me now (sometimes). nothing is more excruciating slamming up against the walls that hold the finite amount of healing & love I believed possible. and nothing is more terrifying than the tangibility of everything I only hoped could be real slam up against the other side but not feeling ready to watch the walls crumble. again & again I’ve found myself on both sides. I’ve ripped down walls & I’ve held them up myself, despite the pressure of destruction—sheer arrogance. what I’m finding in the rubble that happened anyway is a revolution I can touch, because it is my own skin, it is what I’ve become.

I know this because I’ve felt revolution come to be in me, birthed from the rage of every moment of joy, love, & freedom taken from my ancestors. taken from my life. revolution cracked me open with a burning desire for the bloodstained fabric of this world to be ripped to shreds. revolution shattered my soul with a willingness to midwife the death of what holds up the only world (me) I’ve ever known. eventually, after I was taught how to grieve & how to live anyway, I realized that what was actually awakened in me was love. it is still stretching to love myself & liberation more than everything I’ve been conditioned with (it’s comfy there). it is one of the most painful yet glorious experiences, those times when love outgrows all the ways I’d been holding it & becomes wild again. what is revolution if not love set free?

registration for Relationship as Revolution closes on Friday, May 24th at 12PM EST

saltwater & stars