i'm so fucking sorry| bleed this one out {mars direct}

Mars in Scorpio, into retrograde & finally direct again. What a bitch. Scorpio doesn't play. This is the Underworld. Made up of the hurt that brought you here, & the healing that is taking you out. You can feel as bitter & raging as you want to, 'cause you're gonna have to let it go. Or you'll stay here, in hell, burning up, for longer than hope can survive. Longer than the light can sneak in. Mars is not out of shadow (getting back to the point it was when it went retro) until August. Being the God of War (goddess in Scorpio, dark feminine energy strategies preferred), consider this the battle zone. Consider this the Aftermath. 

You're gonna have to bleed this one out. There is no medicinal cure or symptom alleviation that will really work. There is no lie to be told, no superficiality to hide anything. There is only pain. There is only power. I know you're rising, splattered with the blood of other peoples wounds, while you're own bleed through the coverings you tried to hide behind. 

I'm Sorry. 

God. Is there really any such thing as truth vs. lies, or is everything just perception? 

"The hardest thing to see is what is in front of your eyes."~Goethe

I'm Sorry. 

I remember how easy it used to be to blame. How everything was black or white. Now everything is black & white & we're all just victims of this war. Sometimes we're losing, sometimes we're winning. God. Is there even such a thing as a final victory? 

I'm Sorry. 

I want to wrap you up in bandages whiter than the light within you. I want to soothe your aches & stop your tears with the scent of memories from sweeter times. I want to tell you it's going to be ok & that it's always been ok & that this is not as dark as it seems. But I can't even find myself in this darkness. But I've never seen anything more clearly. 

I'm Sorry. 

I remember what betrayal used to feel like. So sharp. So deep. Now there is nothing to be betrayed...no expectations, no commitment, no sacredness. No Love? I used to feel abandoned but comforted by the fact that there would be a return. Now I don't ever want back what I had. I just want what's real. And what's real is so sharp. So deep. 

I'm Sorry. 

Forgiveness. I read it in articles & see it in peoples eyes. I hear it in the undertone of their voice. They want it. They want to see it given. They want to give it. Because violation is uncomfortable, & forgiveness gives some type of control, right? That you get to choose? That you can decide how hurt you are? That it has no more power?

I'm Sorry. 

Some things are too sacred to be vandalized then repaired by illusions of humanity. Some wounds are too deep to bandage. You have to let the scab rise. Healing. You have to protect & air it out & acknowledge the risk of it. Healing. Take preventative measures. Healing. You're gonna have to bleed this one out. Healing. Some people are too scared.

 

Who are you? Do you trust yourself? I've written about this before but there is nothing more disturbing than feeling like you've betrayed yourself. But can you be bigger than the pain? Bigger than the past? I'm not talking about that higher road bullshit. I'm talking about that you have always been what you are now & what you will be & if you can move forward with that...

I'm Sorry. 

These are the apologies you never got. These are for the fantasies crashing, massive structures of your creation. These are for the time that it's going to take when you want it to be over now. These are from the people that are leaving & for the ones that stayed too long. These are for when no one held you & you couldn't hold yourself. For when you had to stand anyway. Alone.

This is for how scared you are. This is from every version of yourself. This is from the future to come. This is from the Truth. From the past. From the pain.  From when you weren't' protected. For how hard this is going to be. We can talk about freedom, clarity, strength, wisdom, self reliance & manifestation=the abundance of Universal Support. But for now...

I'm So Fucking Sorry.